the train trilogy : merchant of pleasure

Its a post on a railway journey . Yeah, you got that .Stand and clap for yourself dumb wit idiot  . This is the first part of the same trilogy.

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Friends are like an asshole. No matter how much you curse and much you spit about it and the end of the day or rather more importantly at the start of the day, you can not do without one. The story or experience helped me realise this fact. The asshole part was absolutely correct.

Having a night’s sleep , i expected my friends to wake me up. Of course they did not and hence i had to make up my way by hastening  up my daily morning requirements and just when i realised that i do not have enough money for the travel . Now i need to borrow the same and thereby has to be enlightened that these idiots are also living in penury. Poor me . I was late .I got my ticket by some real good hardships and in no case wished  to miss the train as it was very important for me to be on time.

FREEZE MOMENT  #1: i just realised at that point that i have never in my life missed a train. I felt a slight pride in my chest and as soon as it was resulting in a bulge i noticed eyes of another of my stupid idiot friend whose sexual orientation was beyond trust and hence i deflated my pride and went back to the bigger picture.

Yeah now i wanted to get my train and for that i suggested auto. Auto rickshaws must be our favourite way of travel. Seriously these thee wheeled things have their own charm . The sound and the fact that they are superior to bus and inferior to taxi makes it more special to Indian middle class mentality where every one claims to be part of middle class. No body in India is rich and no one definitely poor . We are all middle class .So my friends vetoed the idea. Maybe the fact that i am going to enjoy the luxury at their money was not such a good idea for them. Thereby  i was thrown into a ‘Magic’. A TATA product , Magic is a special vehicle to ferry people. The most special thing about public transport in Bhopal is that its very customer friendly . Trust me . They will stop it anywhere for the customers and wait till infinity for a customer. Then every now and then you will encounter a customer who has not those much feared words of a daily commuter “change”and there starts the blabber between concerned party for that one rupee. Trust me , i have full respects for every penny a guy earns esp. a rupee . At school when we had to toss for the game we would miss it that badly. So , in such a situation where you are minutes away from missing your train for the first time and in such case finding an old guy in tattered clothes and half brunt and probably borrowed bidi fiddling for his one rupee is not the most entertaining idea. I thought to offer that one rupee but then faces of my friends in contributing to my travel made me drop that fabulous idea. Something I am going to repent. Finally i reached Railway station

Indian Railway station is a funny place to be . You can find people of every strata and age. students in school and college uniforms . Those rich dogs with their airport trolley bag which has the “Kingfisher Airline” tag specially laminated to poor and cheerful village ladies in their shining pink and green sarees. The tall and short policeman and the military guy who will be sitting on his huge black box with his name written on it in white. The beggars ,the kids, handicaps and women with a child or the hawkers selling something. I always believe if anything can unite this country of infinite differences . It has to be railways.

The most viewed part of railway must be the time chart of course some people would carefully notice the underwear ads on the bill board but that on some other day. The train i was looking was giving me one more minute and a foot over bridge to reach . I ran with all my strength to reach it. Humping , pushing and squeezing myself in a crowd. I heard some censored noises at the background but i acted to neglect that and ran to my train . As soon as i was about to step down to my platform , i could see my train slowing on the track . Relaxed , its going to stop for 2 minutes for the least and i can go safe . I am a rockstar. I never missed a train. FUCK YEAHHH. Now coming to reality the train was not slowing down but has started . So me being relaxed i realised the truth a bit late . DDLJ flashback. I felt like kajole without a SRK at the end and ran again to get my train , my reserved seat. I want it now , I did a milkha singh act and put all my strength and trust me  guys sitting at the trains were cheering for me but then someone called to me and asked me if could choose another train to die . I gave up. I saw my train , my first train to be missed moving away slowly praying that someone would pull the chain . I had always abused the chain pullers but now i prayed for one . Prayers never work.

The train went far away in its glory and i was standing tired and lost . It took some time to get what happened . I composed myself called the assholes and enquired about the next train . No direct train was there i would have to do a stopgap arrangement. No choice . I decided to cancel my ticket to get half the money back and get ticket for next train and there i met the guy for whom the post is dedicated.

Reservation centre is a peaceful place. Its not crowded and people act intelligent.So i got the general ticket for next train as that was all left for the journey and went to cancel the other one at the reservation centre . Now i was sweating like hell . My headmaster at school always used to tell us “pigs sweat , men perspire”. Fuck you headmaster , i felt like a pig. I saw few girls at the corner with  guy ,giggling on some lame joke of the guy and there as an old lady with her grandchildren .Standing on not much long line i felt the my sweat was acting as a repellent and people are maintaining  some distance . Cool with me. There was guy at the start must be in his forties and must be an agent . he was flirting with the woman who was booking the ticket and the time interval was making my blood boil just then an old man came and everyone backed off for him . Old guy quota.

Then just ahead of me was a muslim guy . How i know he is muslim ?. He was wearing the traditional muslim dress with the skull cap so it was easy. Suddenly he turned and asked my name. here is the conversation

he :your name
me : Nitin
he :Student ??
 Me:(Ex-student , i wanted to say. Funny what do we should be adressed when i am graduate and waiting for my joining letter ) Yes.
He: i am a business man.
Me :(as if i care) Hmm.
he:i sell medicines for shirts
me :shirts ???
he :(this time more secured whisper) Sex…sex medicines

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FREEZE MOMENT#2 : there are many awkward moments in your life . say your father wanted to make you an CA but you end up scared of numbers or the girl ypu liked likes the your friend who already likes her and you end up as an looser but this was different. I was pissed off , very angry at missing the train , hungry , tired , sweating and poor and this guy is telling me that that he sells sex enhancement stuff. so what am i suppose to do with it .I had no answers.

He :Sex…sex medicines
me :yeah i heard that at the first place.
he :I go to Mumbai for the stuff
me :Big city , no ?
he: very big

here the guy who was flirting was taking more longer and i wanted this  conversation to end very fast but it looked to go otherwise.

he: what do you do?
me: computers
he : my brother too.
me : hm

trying to look least interested as possible,

he : where are you going?
me: nagpur.
he: ohh..you look disturbed.
he thinks me as a customer ????.that thought was getting into a possibility.

me: no
he : is it because of my profession?
me : no no way ( i was very embarrassed at this point )
he : it is .
me : yes .its little odd for me.
he : because you are all fools and hypocrites (now that was a direct offense )
me: huh ?
he : i am merchant of joy . I help people . I am just like a doctor . A doctor saves a live and i make that life pleasurable . i am not ashamed of my job. ( The bloody flirt was not finished with the lady )
me: i never said anything…(stopped me )
he: yeah , but you thought me like a pimp selling you some stuff. i do not need that . I travel AC two tier.
me : ohh (i hid my general ticket). must be a good business.
he: it is and and all allahs rehmat
me: (lime moved now) Yes of course.
he : hmm
me : you are doing a good job. i  never meant anything wrong.
he : hahaha..i know that…want some stuff ?
me : what??
he : for free…good experience guaranteed.
me: no , i do not.
he : hahahah…do not worry , i was joking. i am going to give an order.
me : you are a dog
he: i  am merchant of pleasure.
me : hehe..yes you are.

And his chance came . He got his AC Two tier ticket > before leaving he asked , you want my card and left before getting my reply. I would have said no. Idiots. I got the cancellation refund and a lesson. The pride in job is important for happiness.

merchant of pleasure is gone and so is this post. Take care.

Being ugly…..

Technorati Tags: ugly,beautiful,life,plato. fugly

-But Dad my teacher says beauty is all inside.
-That is something ugly people say………………..
~Jim Carrey


Jim Carrey can say that he is beautiful . A 6’2’’ tall , fair good looking guy who has fans all over the world and he deserves to make all those sarcasms and other funny things but what is it to be ugly , why being ugly effects our confidence or in some cases self esteem and what the heck do we care. Ohh before i start i can assure that the author is ugly so i am the part of ugly fraternity ant though i can not speak for others i can speak about myself. Yep now back to the topic of being ugly. There must be something which effects us as and we do recognise that good looking guys and gals usually pair up with each other. what is the funda…and can we live with ignoring the fact that we are not up to them. Who knows.??
I DO.

Am I Ugly ?

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Yeah you still do not know , that is pathetic as if you are smart enough to read a blog and know what a blog is then you should have known this long ago. Its ok, we can do something…err not much. Ok you know you are not alone in this regard ..in fact there are many pages on internet which actually test your ugliness .Yes exactly.They give you ugly meter or questionnaire which would tell you if you are actually ugly or not but you need not do all that. We can start the world famous mirror test. You know about it, don’t you?. Well in case you do not then you may not be ugly or you can be dumb in addition to being ugly. Anyway it is very simple , you just have to stand before a mirror to know if you are ugly or not. Just be honest or modest.
The another thing you can do is photograph test. Try to click photos with  declared hunks or lovely faces around you, they are not hard to find and when you get the photos ,compare yourself with the hunks or the pretty faces and voila…you know it.
The third test is kind of difficult but could work . in case you have good friends has anyone came and said ‘man you are smoking hot..” or “phew babe you are sexy..” if not you are ugly but please make sure you cut out the opinions of the sarcastic morons who would praise you for their sadistic pleasure. and yes if you have been called “cute” ..that does not count. Cute must be the English language’s most ambiguous word . It means nothing any one can say any one cute. If I make a list of most ambiguous words , cute would be in the top( I have not made the list so please do no not ask for other words). Last but not the least, what your mom says does not counts….maa ka toh dil hi aisa hota hota hai……

Confess Ugly

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Yes sir/madam. Stand before the mirror and say “i am ugly”. you have to accept it. Its no big deal, say you were born as blind . What would you do ?. Fight the world and say you can see?. No, just believe in being ugly. Of course its not as bad as being blind …wait the diplomatic idiots around us would ask me to refer to blind as visually challenged , right? > Then what would they call us ie ugly guys : visually challenging. Being ugly is not something to be proud of but yes it is not something that we should be ashamed of , We make the good looking people look good . Remember the Einstein’s theory of relativity ..the world works on the same and we also drive the beauty and cosmetics industry. So be light and take it easy.
And if you think you are beautiful inside. Grow up. Ever seen gorgeous pancreas or mesmerizing kidneys, if no then you are not beautiful inside and even if you are then i guess it matters to you only. So take it as they bring it. You, like me are ugly. 
There are some guys who think being funny or something like that would compensate or make their ugliness look lesser or something <buzzer> .wrong answer.if that had been truth, Raju Shrivastava and Sudesh Lahiri would have topped the nation’s most desirable men’s list every year. Well, in case you are filthy rich i guess you can save yourself from this confession.
finally if you have passed the test and you know you are ugly. say it re.


OK, I am Ugly. What now?

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Nothing.Yes, nothing. That is the point. Start to take it as part of you and you will do fine . if you are obese and it is hurting your health then try to get some movement out of your body and get some shape( i agree that circle is a shape but it is not the most healthy one) or if you are skinny go eat enough, hit a gym or something and get some flesh on your bones. The point is , your motive should be to get better health not better looks that not to impress people. See you may have people or what is popularly noted as special someone who may reject you or just do not look at you in “that” way…..tum acche dost ho par tumhe uss nazar se kabhi dekha nahi……say buzz off to them . You do not actually need such people who may come back to you if you are good looking> these good looking people are the ones who would send wrinkled faces of their parents out of their home or threw their own children into well if they are born with a handicap. Was i a bit too harsh ?. I am not going to be polite.
There are very few people who are going to cry when you die( if your name is not Rajnikant) and i can assure you no matter who the person is , a corpse does not look beautiful not even that bloody ambiguous cute. so what is the point of trying to change for them. my friend once bought a new touch screen phone and would flaunt it at every possible opportunity and he would get the required attention, which he liked. One day while he was doing the same another guy took out his iPhone and suddenly the attention went to him. Welcome world. Beauty just like an ornament is temporary and relative and our self-esteem is too big a price for that.


Be A Good Ugly

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To be really honest the beautiful people are usually well mannered , good at heart and much humble people. Yes we often get a snob or two but in general these good looking freaks are better behaving lots too. I hate generalisations but this is experience speaking.I guess the reason is history, yeah really. The fairy tales tell the bad guy , the devil to be ugly and old and cruel and whatever and the hero is not only the prince but prince charming. No wonder my favourite animated character is Shrek. The mythology also has shown the Gods, the demigods and even good believers as good looking ad the bad devils or the asurs have been ugly creatures. If that was not enough we have cinema. We see a short , filthy, illiterate and ugly Gabbar Singh to compete against the Greek God Dharmendra and get the beautiful girl Hema.
But it has to change , now even hindi cinema has started to show some very good looking villians which is an acceptance that looks has nothing to do with your inner self. We have to behave better in a more courteous manner. Have you seen people talk in a more polite manner to people who look better . The reason is that they expect similar treatment back and we ugly guys can do this. It is very easy mile more listen more be good and they would like you . Being rude is not a gift that ugliness brought you , we bought it to ourselves. Time to change and time to spread the love.


The Ugly Advantage

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Yes we have some advantage. The beauty as i said before is relative , people who own it know that there would be someone more beautiful than them. Remember the famous line of wife cheated by her husband ..”is she pretty?” . Good looking people use their look as a shield of confidence but yet that is their weakness .As soon as someone better comes up, a more taller , more fairer , more stronger guy they go in back foot. There is our advantage no body cares to compare ugliness and we are not proud of it too. How odd does it sound "..wow..I am more ugly than him/her…" . So it is not there. Relax , we do not worry about our non existent looks and hence we should not be insecure about it either. Whatever we want to achieve in our life , we do it by our work and what we could not that is because of our mistake.No body is going to blame it on God( if he/she exists). the advantage is we have only ourselves to put the blame on. hell yeahhhh………

The Ugly, Fugly and the relationshit relationship

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Well well well, the commonest ugly guy issue, the girl. I was watching discovery channel( yes the author does uses the digital media to watch stuff which are not exactly porn ) and it was showing how animals decide their partner. The males among them fight with each other to flaunt or showcase their might, try to access the maximum territory and bully the smaller males. Just the show offs. The females would be mute spectator and as soon as they see the most available strongest match , she goes for him. They mate and they live happily ever after. Wish the humans lived as same as this? . We actually do, just ignoring the happily ever after part.

Women would go for the best match , if you are not one she would not take you. No matter how successful or failure a person is , his life cycle works as simple as the animals. So in case the pretty girl you liked did not like you. Avoid . You will have some ugly girl who is waiting for her prince ugly( you ). Remember if you are ugly then the beautiful girl or guy is fugly and in case you pair the relation would be shit. The good looking partner would live in some sort of superiority and the ugly one in an inferiority. There are always some exceptions but you know equals make a better pair.

if that does not help listen to this


morale
"Remember how in that communion only, beholding beauty with the eye of the mind, he will be enabled to bring forth, not images of beauty, but realities , and bringing forth and nourishing true virtue to become the friend of God and be immortal, if mortal man may."
-Plato

Shaadi Ki D.V.D

 

Shaadi Ki D.V.D

 
Is not this, the season of marriage? The union of two souls . The meeting of two bodies whose timing was decided in the heaven itself .Yes, but I am not going to brag about all that but I am going to drag a brag about the most important part of every wedding . The video recording. The cameraman and the light guy are much more important than the pandits in all these Hindu wedding. He arrives before the guests , acts like a boss, throws tantrums in fact he has more “ladkewaale” attitude than the so called poor ladka itself .The thing which irritates me…ok I accept I am jealous of the importance this guy gets .ok. The girls adjust their pallus and try to look at their prettiest best and yes they will pull that strand of hair and make it hit their face and then put it at the back of their ear. Time tested formula and to be honest it works. Kids would run around him as if he is the balloon guy. The auntyjis would smile for no reason and the unclejis would take a deep breath inside to minimise the pouting stomach and look better…. happens da and it makes the camera guy happening thing of the shaadi ..i thought about the people who are affected by him or his work..let us be careful………
 
 
The Third Person
 
We have no role in the wedding. We are neither close friend nor a relative; we just know the groom’s/bride’s family. We have someone who would be telling the The Second Person( more on this) a boring line like “mere saamne hi bada hua ji..dekho aj shaadi ho rhi hai “. I know a nurse and whenever she meets my friend she would scream at the top of her voice “ärrrrey , kitna bda ho gya hai, kal hi to mere saamne tu paida hua tha…aaj dekho to tjhe”. Almost kills him.
Coming back to the topic, our presence or absence creates no difference in the wedding. The invited guest is lured by the food and the moral obligation to attend the shaadi. We would gift a ridiculous gift which would be repeated by many third persons but we really do not care. That was a responsibility whether the gift would be of any use or not is not our concern at all.
We can be classified in three broad categories
a> The emerging players
b> The victim
c> I don’t care a shit types
The first type is irritating who are mostly guys who would find so many opportunities to come before the camera .He must be wearing some shervani or borrowed suit and would not miss any opportunity to flaunt it. They would also wear a “look-i-am-so-oblivious-of-the-camera-yet-i-am-so-good-looking”look and I can assure you they are hated and made fun by the people in category c. These I don’t care a shit types usually occupy the last rows of the seats as if it is a lecture and would almost gawk at pretty faces. They would jump at food and would be the first to leave the shaadi unless and until a pretty face comes in between (rarest of the rare case). The second category is the best. Hehehhe...it is the mamaji who was nose-picking or the close uncleji who was scratching the part of body inappropriate for the occasion( or for any occasion) or the poor girl/(usually) young auntyji who displayed too much out of her saree..These poor victims never know that they are victims until they see the DVD themselves and I am sure the camera guy never edits them knowingly as you see these shaadis are such a boring affair. Category b adds the spice.
 
 
The Second Person
Yeah, we are the second person. We are the close relatives of bride or groom and some of us do hate the camera guy. I mean look at his audacity, bossing around our house , telling us where we should stand and how inclined we must be . He , also advices us to shift things around. Dog.
I remember my uncle’s wedding where the camera guy asked me to dress him up. Dress him?? Like what? He is no kid..and can’t you see he is dressed. The camera guy looked as if I am from another planet and gave the frustrated look and said, “just touch or brush his collar and pose”. I protested, “Why?” He almost lost his cool “how do you think I am going to make two DVDs out of a simple marriage. I need material. Now genius, will you do that?” I compiled but could not contain my laughter doing the same. The camera guy got frustrated as if I was the last obstacle for his Academy award winning movie and found a replacement. Amazing now I cannot do as I want in my own house.
Like me there are many other victims, we the second person see the camera guy getting pampered all around the house, we see him ogling the girls and women around. We are asked to ask him about the food and serve him whenever his whim permits us. Frustrating. He will walk around the rooms considered out of bounds for outside people and yet hold a smug of being betrayed…haddd… L like the last time he almost blocked close relative, he said they are coming in the view and this camera guy is not supposed to be polite, At the wedding hall he treats himself as a king though holding an almost still camera. No, we do not like this guy but yeah, we can’t help it either. To be honest, the second person is the most affected victim of the camera guy. Poor us.


The First Person
It is all about us only. Yes, no matter the other guys say the shaadi ki DVD is supposed to capture the most b’ful moments of our life. Oh, i did not introduced ourselves. We are the first person or the bride or the groom or the idiots. Seriously, I thought the camera guy would be nice and pleasant but hell no. He was a dog, when i saw the DVDs of my friend’s shaadi i thought the guy would do a good job. The groom and the bride looked pretty happy in whatever they were supposed to do but look at my case. He kept on saying , sir look that side or madam smile more. I was terribly upset. Hello I am not going to look at the sky like an idiot with my wife/husband, hell no way. But i did exactly as i was asked to do so. Before the wedding i wondered if i would be camera shy but on the contrary i went out to be camera bored..hell i can live in bigg boss( it was funny by juhi parmar when she said to that porn star “do not be camera shy dear “…heheh)  for any time they want, They give much more privacy than this camera guy and you know what he did as i was walking down the shubh-muhurat , this guy asked me to return back to where i started just because he did not open his camera lid.ass. All we have to bear just for this DVD.


The Audience
We are the purpose. We spend money. We are the victims. We are the audience. We..errr ok we comprise of the first and the second person and the third person rarely share the space. We are asked or at some really stupid cases we ask for the DVDs. i mean seriously ??? you want to watch someone else’s marraige? c’mon guys .that could not be fun, but we do such things. The DVD would be having some boring songs citing invincible love between the pair and guess what its an arraigned marriage.The advantage being an Indian is that no matters how bad we look the whole family would set out to find the right partner for you.
Among us there are some pesky neighbours who would like to know how much dowry was visible or d jewellery on the bride’s neck, head, ears…or wherever…or the famous auntyji who would be checking out girls . I was trying to get a better phrase but i could not, they actually do that only. “arey sharmaji ki ladki badi ho gyi.” “sunghji ki choti beti ki padhai ho gai,” “wo laal lehenge waali ladki kitni sundar hai “and so on..it never ends …God knows the importance of DVDs and esp the cute girls visible in it.

Some times the party who owns the DVD send them to ther friend to watch it, and we the audience do that, it like a sooraj barjatia film with the whole family watching and there are no intervals.Gross.If we aere at wedding someone would shriek and shout his/her presence to the whole audience and in case we were lucky enough to miss the shaadi ,we would repeat the same action when someone in the DVD is shown and we know him/her.”arey wo dekh wo dek, tinku ki mummy kitna make-up karjke aayi hai…heheheh….” In case you have had a better , more dignified and well behaving audience….i assure you..we pity you  

The amazing part is….err you do remember the victims of the third persons, right?. yes wen we watch them…we all know what they did or fell for but nobody talks about it..hahah . Yes it is funny…heheh
But yes the audience never remembers who the camera guy was..what were his atrocities and why the third,second and the first person hated him, we just watch the DVD and some of us do enjoy it.


MORALE : No fun here, irrespective of whether you like it or not shaadi ki DVd is an important part of the wedding and it is going to stay.Cheers.

A Letter Of Apology From an Agnostic

Dearest God (in case you exist),

We have no issues and you know I love you, like all my friends and I do respect you but it’s some doubts that trouble me and the scriptures you have sent to earth through your holy men ( and in rarest  of rare case women ) are not of much help.

See first of all I am baffled  and I should congratulate you  for the variety you provide, seriously so many ways to reach you , so many religions and paths even the most consumerist government or organisation could not match you . The choices are immense but my dear God that is the point I wanted to ask you “why???” Why give so many choice to the poor , weak , completely dependent on you human beings and thereby confusing them . It makes the whole motive look futile. Seriously God you have to think about it and by the way why is a particular religion so much specific to a particular geographical region and of course you made sure that prophets did try to spread it to as far as possible but you see even “your” Prophets were just humans. So we have a many God religion in central Asia a uni-sex God in middle east, a Father-son duo in Jerusalem which overlapped your previous version of another God and not to forget much recent Gods born in India which later spread to japan and far east or some God which confided in northern India. What I want to say is we all know our religion much before our gender but what if a guy/gal has a total memory loss and nobody takes him/her what religion could that person take. There are too many options to select, too many to be sure of and in total too confusing. I seriously want you God to consider this and I guess I cannot want anything I have to pray for it.

God, I also want to question so many opposite rituals, yes of course I understand that I cannot question you but please consider this why yes why do have one religion which prohibits something as basic as an onion and have another religion which advocates mutton? Why do you have a religion which has some 36 million Gods compared to other which has only one and another which works on a trio and some which work according to a book? I am a poor young soul and cannot understand these complexities that you put forward me.

My dear God there has o be solution to some and many doubts that come into my mind every now and then and please if possible can u ask your believers to show some respect to people who do not worship their version of god , its unfair

I have so much to talk to you and so much to know. We will sure continue this conversation. Till then do take care of everyone.

God bless you …ooops

Your own

Apologetic agnostic.